As my sister stated this morning, "today is the 365th day that my daddy's life has been absent from this world." I've been extremely aware of this day approaching in the last couple of weeks. I've also found myself trying to hold onto the pain and anger that is only natural with the death of a loved one. I felt that if the pain was still there, I'd still be honoring daddy with my tears. It's a scary balance to learn of letting go of the sadness without believing I'm letting go of daddy all together. I'm currently in the middle of this lesson on this anniversary day.This one year mark is more than just the first anniversary of daddy's passing; it is the finale to a year of "firsts" without him: first football season, first Christmas, first birthday (his and mine), etc. One of the more significant "firsts" was the beginning of the new year. Never before had I felt such a significance in the changing of years or the feeling it brought in its new beginning. Here was a fresh start with a completely new year that my father would never see on this earth. It was a very strange and sad realization that I was beginning a year that daddy would never physically exist in, just the shadows of his memories. The thought of ending the very last year he lived in began to be overwhelming to me and I quickly yearned to turn back the clock. I didn't want that sinking feeling this realization brought, I just wanted the warmth of my daddy's goofy laugh and massive bear hugs. How could I exist in a time or in a world where daddy did not? But the Lord, in His ever faithful goodness and mercy, reminded me of the beauty in ashes and the gift there is in new beginnings. So I faced this new year with the strength only He could give me.
Today is similar to that New Year's Eve, except for the fact that today brings a new kind of relief. This year of firsts has come to an end and with it, I am experiencing a new level of the "the new normal." There is no guilt or shame in letting go of the sadness, but there is an in-explainable amount of joy in remembering the love of my father. There is a greater responsibility in carrying his mantle that we have inherited and ensuring the legacy of his giving heart lives on through us. There is joy in knowing that my boisterous laugh was passed down from him. There is joy in knowing that every day I realize how much more I am like daddy than I ever realized. There is joy in loving others the way that he loved so selflessly.
There is always joy.
