Picked All My Weeds But Kept the Flowers

This next treasure is probably my favorite post. It signifies such a turning point in my life that it is worth celebrating and remembering. I'm even saving the comments from Mama and Lance because it's good to be reminded of those who believe in me.

Gosh. I don't even have words when reflecting on this season other than how thankful I am for redemption.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Picked All My Weeds But Kept the Flowers

I was driving home from work the other day when a song started playing on my iPod that used to be an all time favorite: "Sober" by Kelly Clarkson. I hadn't heard it in quite some time and forgot how good it is (side note: I love it when that happens.... feels like I'm discovering it all over again)! Something new stirred inside of me while listening to it. I found that I relate more to the words now than I did before, when I just loved the fact that Kelly belts out some powerhouse vocals at the end. 

Three months and I'm still sober

At first thought, the listener is led to believe that "sober" means free from alcohol and/or drugs like most people refer it to being. I knew after listening to specific parts in the song that she was also singing about a broken heart, so I assumed that she fell into alcohol as a coping method for this heartache. But after my re-discovery of this song, it dawned on me that the addiction is in the form of a person, or rather the relationship with that person. This song became alive to me because I now understand. Not only do I understand the correct meaning, but also the emotions, the experience and the heart ache she's singing about. Those are my feelings. This is my song about my experience! To add to that discovery, three months, ironically, is the exact same time frame I relate to at this point in time. Of all the days to stumble upon this song again, it comes during a significant three month mark of my freedom.

This could break my heart or save me

Both.

Nothing’s real until you let go completely

This is my current lesson. Apparently it's not completely letting go if I've used certain friendships, entertainment (specifically shoot 'em up type movies) or even busyness to distract me from the pain of walking away. Being distracted means I haven't dealt with the ugly and started the true healing process. So when those distractions are stripped away (like right now) I am forced to deal with the pain and move on. Yes, it's what is needed to heal and yes, it hurts like crap, but it is good.

Three months and I’m still breathing... Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in

I couldn't have said it better.

Three months and I still remember it

Dreams.

Three months and I wake up

Finally. 

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Isaiah 61:3 "...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair..."

Precious Little Nuggets

In the process of switching to a new email address, I have discovered that my lovely blog that is inconsistently updated will be deleted along with the old email. This is a bitter/sweet discovery since a lot of my posts were during "the dark days" and it would do me good to rid myself of anything connected to that period. Still, there are little nuggets in the recent posts (my version of recent being the last two years) that would sadden me to lose. Therefore, my first couple of posts on this new, shiny blog will be preserving the old, then welcoming the new.

This first post was the start of a very significant change in my life: The baby sister sprouted her wings and flew all the way to California. I also find humor in this post because it mentions Mr. Joel Houston.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Expectations

My sister is leaving soon.

I've been forced to accept this truth in the past week more than I anticipated. It still feels like such a far off thing that is still in the idea stage rather than a reality that is taking place in less than two months. There are such warring emotions that keep fighting to take front and center amongst my thoughts. There’s the obvious feeling of being so excited for what she’s about to experience and the other obvious, more selfish side of dreading being away from her. But as I allow myself to think more about her leaving, I realize that there’s one thought that prevails over all: I will definitely be forced to step out of the shadows. This brings on a mix of fear, excitement and anticipation all at once. I will no longer have her to hide behind or to lean on. Of course, it’s natural and healthy to have a sister to lean on, but not when it causes a lack of courage to step out on your own when needed. I know this will be a season of growth and discovery, in which I choose to embrace with courage.

There is one thing that seems to overpower these thoughts at the moment and it is the possibility of actually getting to cross off a dream on my list: meeting Joel Houston. It is still not official yet, but I know God is a God of dreams and I know He delights in seeing these fulfilled. I also know that Lance and Banning are completely capable of pulling it off. With that said, there are just 3 short days left. 3 days.

3 DAYS.

Whoa.

Sadly (for me), I did not get to meet Joel. Even more sadly (especially for me), he is now married. God is still a God of dreams and I know He still delights in seeing them fulfilled.

So let's keep dreaming.